Security and Confidence

Exactly six months ago, I decided to be spontaneous and go out on a date an hour and a half away from where I live. We met at 11:30 pm on April 14th, 2009. I met the guy on Facebook. Who would’ve guessed…

It’s a good thing I’m spontaneous

It was an excellent long date, and an excellent (hopefully long) relationship was built.

I mentioned already how supportive and wonderful my Boyfriend Tomer is, but I wanted to write more.

In the last few months, I’ve been struggling with hard and contradicting thoughts. Most thought revolve around the future and what I do with myself. Thinking ahead, the only thing I know for sure is: I want to be a mom.  I recently started worrying that I might not be able to handle being pregnant and working  or raising kids and working.

This made me feel like I should toy with the thought of being a Stay-at-home-mom (/housewife).

This thought contradicts all the principles I was raised with. As a girl, and later as a woman, I always knew that I needed to be independent before I got married, be able to finance myself and not rely on others. It was “obvious” I would graduate university like my siblings and take care of myself by myself.

I began a Computer Sciences B.Sc. but quit after finishing half (1.5 years). I realized it didn’t interest me enough. I then switched to Business Management.

Making that switch was the last big decision that had nothing to do with Fibro.

Since then, sadly, the delays in school and work were directly related to my pain.

So graduation and taking care of myself by myself became a much more complex challenge than it was for my siblings (not to downplay their challenges of course)

Now that I’m starting my last year and trying to see where my life is flowing to, I begin thinking of life after school.

Since Tomer is in my life, he and our life together go into my thoughts regarding the future.

When I thought about the possibility of being a housewife, it was good f to hear from Tomer that it was alright with him.  He even said it might be better to have me take care of the kids instead of them being with a nanny all the time.

Not that I’m pregnant or planning to be any time soon, but it’s important to know that my life partner will support me in either path I choose (or is chosen for me) It makes me feel much more secure than before.

Yesterday I was visiting my cousin and we talked for a few hours. Out of 10 grandchildren, I am the youngest and she is right before me. Only 2.5 years apart.

After I turned 20 we started being closer and meeting beyond the two annual family meals.

Now we are great friends, and also family.

During our long talk, she surprised me and almost made me cry.

She said (not an accurate quote, as accurate as my fibro fog allows):

“You have a gift with people. You understand them and you know how to explain things in a way others understand. You know how to help people. Maybe you should teach people how to communicate….you’re good with people and I can see you as management.

I know in the last few months you lost confidence in yourself because of the Fibro, so know this:

You stayed yourself. The fibro does not change who you are and your innate gifts and talents”

Just typing this up now is making me tear up.

Mostly because it’s true- the part about losing my confidence.

Our entire childhood, girls are filled with feelings of insecurity regarding their physical and social self. I too had a problem with my self confidence regarding my appearance. Once I got over that I never imagined being insecure about my professional capabilities.

For some reason, right now, it’s hard for me to believe my knowledge and professional capabilities will ever be worth employments, or payment…anything…

Because of my inability to guarantee a schedule or a known amount of hours per month to any employer, I’m scared to get into it at all.

I’m scared of feeling pressure and stress.

Even the good kind of stress that stems from wanting to do, work and learn is scary. Even the good kind of stress can make the pain worse and mostly does.

Having considered everything written here, I’m beginning to think, at least for now, that I have to find my way to keep working. To keep living with the pain. To keep learning.

I have to do that, because maybe I do have something to contribute, and give to this world. Maybe I should keep learning and working the SEO/SEM field? I really do find SEO intriguing and I love doing it.

I hope I end up finding my self confidence in my professional abilities.

And Despite the security I feel with Tomer, I don’t think I can handle being a stay-at-home-mom.

I think I’m going to have bring something into the household just to feel complete and satisfied with myself.

I just hope I find my way to balance it all.