HIDING BEHIND MY ILLNESS

DAY 29:   I must accept the fact that protecting my energy can cause some of my actions to be misunderstood. However, it is a good reminder to  pay attention to how I might easily misunderstand others.

Two weeks ago I received quite an angry e-mail from someone who told me that I was hiding behind my illness.  I wasn’t really offended by her other accusations since I knew that they weren’t true.  However, I don’t receive criticism very often and so it seemed wise to look closely at the one that hurt the most.  My sister-in-law who has had her own share of illness said immediately, “That’s coming from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be chronically ill.”  My husband immediately commented, “You error on doing too much as soon as you feel even a little better.”  When my daughter read the letter, she began to cry when she read this comment, and said, “Oh Mom, that was so mean.  It’s not true.”

And yet, I can’t seem to let go of that comment. Do I hide behind my illness?  I think that it could easily look that way.  When people do see me, it is when I am feeling a little better.  And when they see me, I don’t LOOK sick.  And I have also determined to make the best of my situation and enjoy those times when I get to leave the house.  Therefore, how is anyone supposed to understand when I say, “I’m careful who I talk to on the phone and how long I talk since some conversations  deplete me of energy.”  How can anyone understand when I say, “ There are times when I look at a group of bills that should take ten minutes to pay on the internet and yet I am unable to exercise the mental focus to pay them?  Who can understand how the mind doesn’t cooperate when you are ill unless you have experienced it or have been around someone who has?  Many people absorb negative emotions but oddly since I have been ill I am like a sponge and I am  physically impacted by them for days or longer.  I did not give this person a call on the phone – which was the right thing to do, but I also knew that it would have an impact on my health since it required a confrontation. Therefore,  I kept waiting – naively – for the day I would have a little more energy – so that I could better cope with her disagreeing with me regarding a situation.    The sad fact is that this person’s anger could have been circumvented if I had allowed my husband to talk to this person which was what he had suggested.  Ironically, rather than hiding behind my illness, I thought I could deal with it, but I dealt with it too slowly and poorly which caused further problems.  I panicked knowing that I needed to deal with this problem and I chose to send an e-mail rather than make the phone call.

No, I don’t believe I hide behind my illness.  However, I also know that I make decisions based on my limitations rather than what I would do if I was healthy.  I know I didn’t deserve the venom that spewed forth from this person, but I also know that she didn’t deserve my response through e-mail.  I feel very sad that I am not always able to choose the best option.  Greg has had to continually remind me that my health must come first since I take very seriously living with integrity.  I don’t enjoy being misunderstood, but when small simple tasks can’t be easily performed,  it is easy to see how a misunderstanding can occur and to see  how I could be  judged.     This situation is a good reminder for  me to judge others less hastily  since I really don’t know their circumstances either.