“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe”. (Proverbs 18:10 NIV)
Scripture is filled with passages encouraging us to call upon the name of the Lord. Psalm 18:3 says “I call to the Lord who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.” I have many enemies. These enemies are not physical human beings, but rather thoughts and feelings that rob me of my faith and joy in God.
The enemies of fear, worry, anger, depression, and many others draw me away from believing that God is truly good and in control of my life. At times, these feelings are natural human responses, but Satan knows how to use them in such a way that they become enemies to my spiritual and physical well-being.
God has many names in Scripture and I have found it helpful to speak them. I may praise him for being my Elohim (Creator) when I am able to enjoy the beauty of this world. I may cry out for him to be my Jehovah-sabaoth ( Lord of Hosts) when I need his protection against the attacks of Satan’s lies. When I feel abandoned and hopeless, he is my El Roi (the God Who Sees). I continually ask him to be Jehovah-rapha (Healer), and above all he is my Savior. God’s name is powerful. It is a strong tower – a place of safety and refuge.
Just as I know God’s name, he knows mine: “He calls his own sheep by name” (John 10:3). How wonderful that we each have such an intimate relationship with our Lord! He knows our name and our every need before we even ask. And how comforting to know that regardless of how often we call his name, he always hears our cry.
Prayer: Lord, your Word says that because you love me, you will rescue me and protect me because I know your name. When I call, you will answer (Psalm 91:14,15). Thank you for those wonderful and comforting promises. Help me to believe those promises today. Amen.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Bronlynn Spindler is a wife and mother of three grown daughters and lives in Fredericksburg, VA. She struggles with chronic back pain, depression, headaches, and fibromyalgia. You may contact her at spindler@cox.net.
I found a lovely post over at Jean Has Been Shopping and decided to tag myself in a letter to my 1989 self. How fun is this idea? Please, do so yourself and feel free to link back to me.
Here I am the night before I left my ghetto for Michigan Stateand my entire life changed forever. I spent this night with my friends Angie and Krissy, and we visited people all over our little city, sat on our favorite bench and cat called guys, and got chased by a car full of unknown dudes so scary that were had to jump in and hide in the bushes and run for our lives for about half the night. And, that night was exactly twenty years ago in September 1989.
1989 was a huge year in my life, as I graduated high school, almost got killed by my stalker ex-boyfriend, moved out of the ghetto, and went off to Michigan State all on my own dime. Here I am at the beginning of my last year of high school, a place I never want to look back on, which is why I always skipped the reunions.
Dear 1989 Girl from the Ghetto
2009 has not been a great year for you. You get sick, visit Mayo Clinic and get diagnosed with weird conditions you’ve never heard of. Also, you had a hysterectomy and can’t have children of your own. Then, you lose your job rather unfairly, and to top it off your boss tried to boot you the day before your surgery before HR forced him to delay it until September. Even more bad things happen to you that I won’t mention here.
However, you did get to meet two famous and funny as hell writers, you lost 38 pounds in three months, you have two stepchildren to love and take care of, and you have one sexy -ass supportive husband you love who also cleans the house, so there is much to celebrate!
Ok, here are the basics.
Beauty:
Stop those spiral perms. Don’t you remember the bald spot incident before senior homecoming? Thank god Micky comes into your life in your twenties and talks you out of constant back coming and spirals. Get brave, and try highlighting instead of Sun in and lemon juice.
Men:
You have a lot of long term relationships, but none of them are at the right time or with the right person. You have a vision, and you know that you are going to meet your husband at a tailgate party. This is why you go to bed at 6:00pm the night before and skip a Halloween party, so you could have great hair the next day.
Children:
Bad news, you don’t get to have your own, but you are lucky enough to be blessed with two step children, one of each. Children have always loved you, and you continue to work with them even if it is through your volunteer work.
Family:
Everybody’s still crazy, and your not sure if they are getting better or worse. Stick with your small doses, it is how you can deal effectively.
Money:
You were born poor, raised on welfare, and made it to Europe twice, not to mention graduate school until the money gods take it away again. Work hard and hopefully you’ll find more in the future.
Misc.:
Friends come and go, but you are lucky enough to have some good ones on your side. Your true friends will always be there for you.
You were born into a hard life, but you have survived and thrived with the best of them. You realize life isn’t supposed to be fair, and thank goodness you don’t get jealous of others who seem to have it easier or who get all the breaks. You have a will that may be legendary someday. You may be sick, but inside your strong, and don’t you ever forget it. You go girl!
DAY 29: I must accept the fact that protecting my energy can cause some of my actions to be misunderstood. However, it is a good reminder to pay attention to how I might easily misunderstand others.
Two weeks ago I received quite an angry e-mail from someone who told me that I was hiding behind my illness. I wasn’t really offended by her other accusations since I knew that they weren’t true. However, I don’t receive criticism very often and so it seemed wise to look closely at the one that hurt the most. My sister-in-law who has had her own share of illness said immediately, “That’s coming from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be chronically ill.” My husband immediately commented, “You error on doing too much as soon as you feel even a little better.” When my daughter read the letter, she began to cry when she read this comment, and said, “Oh Mom, that was so mean. It’s not true.”
And yet, I can’t seem to let go of that comment. Do I hide behind my illness? I think that it could easily look that way. When people do see me, it is when I am feeling a little better. And when they see me, I don’t LOOK sick. And I have also determined to make the best of my situation and enjoy those times when I get to leave the house. Therefore, how is anyone supposed to understand when I say, “I’m careful who I talk to on the phone and how long I talk since some conversations deplete me of energy.” How can anyone understand when I say, “ There are times when I look at a group of bills that should take ten minutes to pay on the internet and yet I am unable to exercise the mental focus to pay them? Who can understand how the mind doesn’t cooperate when you are ill unless you have experienced it or have been around someone who has? Many people absorb negative emotions but oddly since I have been ill I am like a sponge and I am physically impacted by them for days or longer. I did not give this person a call on the phone – which was the right thing to do, but I also knew that it would have an impact on my health since it required a confrontation. Therefore, I kept waiting – naively – for the day I would have a little more energy – so that I could better cope with her disagreeing with me regarding a situation. The sad fact is that this person’s anger could have been circumvented if I had allowed my husband to talk to this person which was what he had suggested. Ironically, rather than hiding behind my illness, I thought I could deal with it, but I dealt with it too slowly and poorly which caused further problems. I panicked knowing that I needed to deal with this problem and I chose to send an e-mail rather than make the phone call.
No, I don’t believe I hide behind my illness. However, I also know that I make decisions based on my limitations rather than what I would do if I was healthy. I know I didn’t deserve the venom that spewed forth from this person, but I also know that she didn’t deserve my response through e-mail. I feel very sad that I am not always able to choose the best option. Greg has had to continually remind me that my health must come first since I take very seriously living with integrity. I don’t enjoy being misunderstood, but when small simple tasks can’t be easily performed, it is easy to see how a misunderstanding can occur and to see how I could be judged. This situation is a good reminder for me to judge others less hastily since I really don’t know their circumstances either.
DAY 25: Assess whether there are any people in my life who are depleting me of my energy.
“I paid very close attention to how energy dynamics affected me. I realized that some people brought me energy while others took it away . . . Her demands were annoying and I felt weary from the encounter. I realized that I would have to protect my precious energy with keen caution.” Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor
As I have been eliminating products that have toxic chemicals and eliminating foods that have too many toxicants, and as my body is slowly ridding itself of chemicals, I have begun assessing whether people can be toxic! Then I listened to a lecture by Jack Canfield and wouldn’t you know he began discussing the importance of surrounding ourselves with people who energize us. He recommended that we make a list of all of our friends, relatives and acquaintances and then put a negative or positive sign beside each person. He strongly recommended our controlling how often we see people who negatively impact us. Just as I was considering this advice, someone sent me the following timely e-mail! As I seek physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, it is necessary to determine who should be sitting in the front row of my theatre and who need to be moved to the balcony of my life. I am so grateful for the number of people who I definitely want to be in my front row!
Your Front Row
Submitted By: Angela N. Barber
- Life is a theater – invite your audience carefully. Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives.
- There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships or fellowships.
- Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
- When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?
- When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
- You cannot change the people around you…but you can change the people you are around!
- Pray for Godly wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.
Over the past several months, MCCI has been working with Dr. Sharon Ostalecki to develop a broadcast special highlighting Fibromyalgia – quickly described as unexplained chronic pain. Originally produced last year as a broad scope 90 minute documentary, PBS in Detroit (WTVS) agreed to air a 30 minute version on public television.
The special aired on September 15, 16 & 20, 2009 and has been viewed by 30,000+ households so far. More importantly, MCCI is proud to play a small role in helping to spread awareness of this largely unknown and misunderstood affliction.
Here’s the trailer…
To learn more about Fibromyalgia, please visit HFFCF.org.
Remember how frightening that darn girl from The Ring was? Whenever you heard the phrase “You will die in 7 days” whispered on screen you know you shuddered in fear. Remember the tape you were never supposed to watch? I have it for your viewing pleasure right now.
I saw this movie by myself, in complete darkness, during a blackout that effected my entire state as well as other parts of the country. I had spent two days without luggage, just me and my cowgirl hat as “the blackout of 03″ occurred moments after I checked my bags at Detroit Metro. I had a house in the heart of the ghetto with power for strange reasons and this was the video I decide to watch. (Seriously, my house was the only house on the block with power.) I was terrified when I watched this movie, which is why I’m using it here.
I haven’t watched any scary video tapes lately, but I have been frightened for about three months years now. In 7 days I am losing my good job due to ahem “budget cuts.” Although, I have watched three peopleget hired for part-time employment, which is even confusing to those with half a brain in my office. I’m frightened that people paid with your tax dollars feel it is ok to make these type of decisions. Why get rid of a hard worker only to rehire someone who was lazy then, and is so much worse now my boss had to sent out the following memo today – “I have noticed a lot of time being used on cell phones, talking, txt messaging and so on, this is to be done on breaks, lunch hours.” I’m frightened that my mom has also lost her job, is down to $30, and that her son has taken all of her money and now I have to deal with a Bipolar who can’t afford her meds who phone stalks me and sent me a Christmas card last week.
I’m frightened that as I write this I’m wearing an A Fib heart monitor that I need to wear for another 29 days. I’m frightened that I have to travel to Ohio for genetic testing and I’m sure my crappy insurance won’t cover it and I wonder if its better to skip it to not go broke or to go and find out something terrible. What if I don’t go and I find out later that I could have saved myself or some part of myself somehow? I’m frightened of things that are so scary in my life you don’t even get to hear about them.
Life really is terrifying if you think about it. While I’m going through all of this, I’m trying to stay strong. I hear how strong and happy I look at work, and I laugh in my head, as I have my moments of tears, panic over the job search, and my paralyzing fear for any decline in my health due to the crappier health insurance. I do realize that I will finally be free IN 7 DAYS! I’m free, free at last, and I will survive and thrive. I’m no Samara, but I have lived a life trapped in my own sort of well for almost a decade now, and I’m happy as hell that (metaphorically speaking) Naomi Watts pulled me the heck out of it to give me my proper burial.
It is never fun feeling trapped. Goodbye old jaded civil servant who may have been discriminated against. Hello, Cowgirl! Can we all yell a huge collective Yee Hah, I’m a Cowgirl next Friday? I’ll Facebook it to remind y’all!
And not only are many chronic illnesses invisible, but they can also be so shadowed by stigma that they are seldom understood by those who are ill or family and friends.
I have blogged about my own challenges with invisible illness. It can be a long lonely journey if you are unable to secure the care and support you need.
So, to help increase awareness of the many chronic invisible illnesses so many (invisibly) live and cope with I want to share a couple articles here.
Study Surprisingly Shows that Chronic Illness is a Taboo Subject
54 Ways You Say You Respond to “You look so good!”
You Know You Have a Chronic Illness When…
There are many more articles and resources at the Invisible Illness web site.
Heal Yourself with Mindful Awareness
Wisdom Healing Qigong Intensive
Saturday, September 19, 2009 from 2:00 PM – 5:00 PM (PT)
San Diego, CA //
+ Connecting our body sensation to the perception of energy (qi) flow all
around us
+ Embodying the shifting patterns of energy in the body throughmovement, visualization and sound, connecting us to the flow of nature all around us
The overall aim of this intensive is to intentionally, consciously shift our attention towards the flow of life in the present moment, and to stabilize that attention as ourself in a creative and playful manner.
PLEASE CALL 760-550-9895 TO REGISTER OR EMAIL qi@qifieldtherapy.com
www.qifieldtherapy.com
Free 3-hour parking available at Horton Plaza
When
Saturday, September 19, 2009 from 2:00 PM – 5:00 PM (PT)
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Where
Red Lotus Society / Ideal Studio
540 3rd Avenue
San Diego, CA 92101
We are healing practitioners dedicated to transforming the mind, body and emotions. Qigong is the primary system of knowledge that facilitates this process: the process of cultivating our energetic awareness. By internalizing our consciousness we become aware of the flow of life that manifests in us. This awareness rightfully initiates an energy exchange between our individualized self and Nature.
We use mindfully executed movements, sounds and visualizations to awaken and embrace the self-healing impulse already present in every human being.
We work with groups and individuals, medical facilities and health clinics using the most effective method for energy cultivation: self-awareness. Healing then becomes the return to our original state of lightness, compassion and fulfillment.
Please visit www.qifieldtherapy.com or call 760.550.9895 for more information.
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I’m pleased that it has been statistically proven that pets — specifically dogs – can enhance the quality of life for people living with chronic illness. These types of conditions can breed depression, but pets can improve overall health – physical, emotional, and mental. Not only are dogs proven to be therapeutic, but research has also shown that pet owners tend to live longer than people who do not own a pet.
My personal experiences have proven this theory time and time again. During my sophomore year in college, while struggling with Rheumatoid Arthritis for years and possible Fibromyalgia, as well, I woke up one day with the left side of my face paralyzed on top of everything else. It was found after testing that I had a condition called Bell’s Palsy – the cause of which is unknown and a malady that can be temporary or permanent. I had to take a medical withdrawal from school, and was not allowed to work. I was too self-conscious of my face – as well as the almost 40 lbs. I gained from medication – to even go out in public and socialize. Unfortunately, on top of being very sick, I also became slightly withdrawn and, with all of my friends away at school, and my parents working, I became lonely, too. Finally, my parents gave in to letting me get a puppy – LucyLoo, a Pug/Brussels Griffon mix (pictured, left), who soon became one of the great loves of my life. No one could ever understand the happiness she brought me during one of the hardest times I’d had in life up until that point. She became my little companion, and having to take care of her made me forget about having to worry about myself for awhile.
My Bell’s Palsy went away after a few months. Lucy helped me through a lot of hard times, and though she now lives with my parents, I still love her dearly. Now, I’m getting to enjoy the experience all over again. My boyfriend and I have recently welcomed another dog into our new home. We have been blessed to adopt a purebred Pug named Maggie (pictured, below). At present, I am dealing with another very difficult and frustrating time, health-wise. I am struggling with not only the RA but also with other chronic and seemingly never-ending, potentially serious, health problems – but having Maggie the Pug by my side (along with Gus, my Parakeet) the hard times have been just a little bit better. They can always put a smile on my face, even when I feel as though I have not much to smile about. On days when I don’t want to get out of bed, I know that I have to take care of them, and it gives me peace to worry about the well-being of another creature instead of always worrying about my own health. Though I do not feel any better physically, I do feel better emotionally with these animals by my side. Sure, I have a fabulous support system of family, friends, and loved ones that I appreciate and love dearly – but something about the pure, unconditional, and dependent love of owning a pet makes it a special type of companionship that is inexplicable, and that I value almost as much as the other relationships in my life.
I decided to do some research on the topic of pet ownership and human health. I came across a wonderful book called, “The Compassion of Animals”, which is filled with heartwarming stories about how pets can essentially not only enhance, but sometimes even save, your lives. In a study by Dr. Wells in the The British Journal of Health Psychology, it was found that dog owners have a longer life expectancy than those who do not own dogs, and are usually healthier in general. The reasons are that caring for an animal can alleviate stress, which promotes healthier immune function and overall wellness. Also, people that own pets are usually more physically active as they take their animals for walks, play with them, and so on.
While having the responsibility of caring for a pet may be overwhelming to someone who has a chronic illness or disability, the research is undeniable: pets make us happier, healthier, and, in most cases, increase longevity of life.
According to one article entitled, “When the Doc Wears Fur”, “any scientific studies have shown that pets have a positive effect on people — and especially on those of us living with a chronic condition. Pets not only ease loneliness, they help us break the spell of being mesmerized by our health concerns. Dogs help us exercise and socialize. Cats help us relax and feel soothed. Pets of all kinds help us laugh, feel reassured, and be in the present.”
Pets can alleviate and even prevent health conditions – particularly those triggered by stress. For people living with chronic or terminal illness, pets can be therapeutic and joyful.
Living with arthritis and other chronic conditions, it is important to exercise. Physical activity is key and having a pet to exercise with you is a great way to get motivated.
Exercising or playing with a pet is also a great way to harvest social interactions with others and a way to bring you closer with your loved ones.
Some dogs and other animals are trained to be medical therapy pets. Often, therapy dogs will be taken to visit senior citizens in assisted living homes, or children who are in the hospital. People also use dogs as service pets. Folks who are blind, prone to seizures, or with other serious health conditions depend on their pets both physically and emotionally to prevent potentially dangerous situations.
It is important when owning a pet to remember their health, too. When you live in chronic pain or with persistent illness, it is sometimes far too easy to get consumed by your own condition. It is important to remember to concern yourself with your pet’s wellness. Take them to the vets, and make sure they have proper food, hygiene, exercise, social interaction, etc. Remember, that as much as you depend on your pets, they depend on you even more! Dogs and horses are prone to arthritis, so remember as they age to make sure they aren’t having joint troubles like so many of us are!
While it is vital to surround yourself with a great support system of family and loved ones, don’t ever forget about “man’s best friend” – whether it flies, slithers, swims, gallops, or snores and slobbers like my little pug darlings. Pets can make the difficulties of life seem so much easier.
I’d love to hear how your pets have helped you cope with your illness! Feel free to leave a comment and share your thoughts!
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4 NIV)
When living with chronic illness it can at times be difficult to find contentment. Our lives have changed in so many ways. We can even find our selves spending a lot of time alone, while others are busy with their days. How do we cope with this on top of pain and illness that we must face each day? We all will face troubles in this world at one time or another in our life. But God uses these trials to improve our character and help us to grow.
We are to rejoice in the Lord, as Paul writes in Philippians. When facing difficulties and situations out of our control, we are to rejoice! But our joy is based on our relationship with God, not our circumstances. We can find joy in having our Father ever present with us. We can find joy in the peace He brings to us, and the blessings He surrounds us with. If we look to Him and His word each day, we have His truth and His spoken word to us. Our relationship then begins to grow and we communicate with God, and He speaks to us.
Have you ever had a one sided relationship where the other person never spoke to you or spent time with you? That is not a relationship, is it? God wants those same things from us. Time with us in thought and prayer and word. We are to pray about our circumstances, and in giving them to God, we don’t have to worry over them. You will find your self rejoicing to be a child of God. Rejoicing in Him, and the Hope that He gives to us.
Prayer: Heavenly Father, I rejoice in You today, not the circumstances of the day. Help me to keep my heart and focus on You. To have a daily relationship with You. And I give you the praise as I rejoice in You daily. Amen
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Margie Scott lives in Arizona. She strives daily to trust God’s grace will always provide, as challenges arise due to heart problems, Parkinson, fibromyalgia, and spinal stenosis.
Here I am, finally. I must confess that though I am feeling less pain after my first cervical epidural from August 31st, I am definately not doing as well as I had hoped! It has been obvious that I spoke too soon when I announced a few blogs ago that I would be back to writing every day! I guess my grasp on reality is more tenuous than I thought!
I guess the message I’d like to get across is:
If you have any chronic ailment (such as Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Herniated Discs, etc.) try to keep your patience up and don’t think that just because you are feeling better, that you have to try to save the world all in one day!
Although I was all prepared to explain my process of making Shea Butter Soap Bars to you, I have now completely run through my energy, and have to go to bed. I WILL be writing tomorrow.
DAY 11: No Matter What, Look For The Blue Bird Singing
My husband and I like to take advantage of any moments when there are a few reprieves from the monotony of illness. Often we purchase tickets for theatre and then we are disappointed when I can’t attend. Tonight we felt quite smart when we decided to go out for dinner and to just show up at the theatre one hour before showtime. Tickets go on sale 50% off. Perhaps because of the long weekend we got really good seats and enjoyed a light musical called The Drowsy Chaperone. I was particularly moved by one of its songs, “As We Stumble Along.” I felt like I could relate to its lyrics “Seeking answers anywhere, Never sure of where to turn or what to do?” And yet, “Still we bumble our way through life’s crazy labyrinth”. Then each verse concludes with , “And the best that we can do is hope a blue bird, will sing his song as we stumble along.” I experienced that blue bird singing tonight when we sat in a restaurant eating our meals and then we later attended a lighthearted musical. While I continue to look for ways to optimize my health, I often feel like I’m stumbling along trying to find answers but I am determined to always be aware of that blue bird singing since he fills me with hope that my heart’s desire will become a reality.
When it comes to women and pain pelvic pain is often under treated. If she is not speaking up and shouting it can all be chalked up
just what she is supposed to be going through. So the general rule of thumb is to be open with your healthcare provider and to pay attention to the type
of pain. Keep track of the patterns of the pain and the changes in your life that may increase stressors. If your doctor is able to find out what is wrong
you will be treated accordingly. It will be between you and your doctor to come up with a plan for pain management and other treatment plan to manage
the way you deal with the pain. It is important to know that the pain can range from mild to severe and also has can be difficult during sex. Some people
will use pain medication to alleviate this and if there is no history of drug abuse it can be no problem. Another issue is to be sure that you explore any
history of physical or sexual abuse and then take care of it accordingly; i.e., therapy, CBT, Antidepressants, or biofeedback.
One of my favorite mentors stated the title of this post regarding individuals who are struggling with mental illness. I accepted that wholeheartedly and have shared it widely. So why am I not able to be so gracious with myself and my own maladies?
Yesterday I mused in frustration about finding a way to overcome (probably really hoping to just get past) physical and emotional challenges I face–that have seemed to come to the forefront once my energies have not been as tapped out taking care of someone else. That was a run-on sentence, and is pretty much how my life feels right now. Like one long run-on sentence just hoping for a comma or period so I can take a breath. But then again, life also seems like I have stalled after the end of a paragraph.
And then, I ran across an online article today that made me say “Yes! That’s it!”
I am going to share that article here. I am hoping that I will begin to be as gracious and compassionate with myself as I have so often been to so very many around me! Why is it so easy to be so gracious with others and not ourselves? Well, today I will start by stating… I’m not lazy–I’m sick. (Thank you to the author of this article.)
“How many times over the years have you been accused of being lazy since developing your illness, or even before the ME/CFS was diagnosed? I can remember long before I was ever diagnosed people calling me lazy. I knew I wasn’t lazy, but I was too young to know what was going on wtih my body and how to explain that I just didn’t have the energy. If I would complain about being tired I would be told, “You haven’t done anything to get tired!”. I can remember as far back as my pre-teen years not helping at my grandma’s to make dinner with my sister and cousin because I would have terrible pains in my legs and I would feel so extremely worn out. My mother used to say that I was experiencing growing pains but I know it was the ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia – I know that now.
I think being called “lazy” by others is one of the worst things you can say to someone – especially when the person is anything but lazy. I know this is one of the reasons why I became such an overachiever because I was always trying to prove that I wasn’t lazy. As children, we take what we hear and what we are told and it sticks with us even into adulthood. I have heard Dr. Phil say over and over that it takes a 1,000 “attaboys” to erase one negative comment you have received.
Those of us who are sick, and have been repeatedly called lazy most of our lives, will never get enough “attaboys” to erase all of the negative comments we’ve heard about ourselves. Most of us do the exact same thing that I have done: we internalize it and try to prove to the world that we aren’t lazy. We are sick.” (source)
Revisiting the past, recalling the memories, it reminds me of how much growth has occurred. I was just listening to parts of an interview I did about 9 months ago. In this interview I recount the details of receiving the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia approximately 4 years ago as well as the darkest depression I sunk into as a result. I discuss details of my suicide attempt and share the need for suicide prevention.
It is odd to listen to yourself tell a story like that…it is eerie in ways.
I absorbed some of the gravity of the topic this time as I listened. Often times I detach as I talk about these things, otherwise I suppose it would be too painful. What I heard reminded me of the seriousness of the things I have dealt with, none more serious than what you may be struggling with, but seriously painful memories to me. Instead of feeling a need to run, or to avoid, I can embrace it. There is a danger in that, though, for I certainly do not want to find my identity solely through my pain. But I can embrace the person that has emerged from the darkness of my struggles.
After the darkness of depression, chronic pain, trauma, etc. I have emerged more whole, more accepting of the person that I am. It is possible that I might find myself battling some of these same issues tomorrow, but I am changed now. I have new armor, new weapons to go to battle with, and a new battle plan that I did not have before. I have a new courage within… oh wait… for a moment my mind tried to tell me that isn’t true…but it is! I am victorious over pain because I can choose to have a different experience.
Today I struggled. I physically felt sluggish and a little bit useless. Right now even I am working to keep myself focused on my worth, and to not focus on the fact that I have remained in my pj’s all day. So here is how it goes in my brain…”You are worthless, you accomplished nothing.” My response is: “That is a lie. The truth is: I am loved and valuable just for being me, it doesn’t matter what I do or what task I complete. I am loved simply because I am.”
I could have told myself these same lines a few months ago, but something happened in my life that made it possible to believe. I experienced true grace. I experienced what it feels like to rest in that place of knowing, that place of knowing that I am loved, no matter what. It was a moment in time like no other and a feeling of complete joy and peace. I will not let go of it, I will hold on and remember it well. I experienced this at BreakThrough. I know I have mentioned this previously, but I must share that I can only say these things I say today because of that experience. God blessed me greatly at BreakThrough, and although I am not paid or rewarded to endorse, I want to encourage you if you are in a dark place to consider this seminar series as a possibility for you. Connect with me, ask me about it, and I will share with you what I can.
It would be wrong of me to hide this gift that exists, it is the gift of grace and the freedom from shame. This gift is so magnificent that I encourage you to go after it with all means necessary! You deserve it, because you are.
