If I could have written this while driving it would be much better as my mind was flying about the things I wanted to say. Alas I’ve likely forgotten half of them but will try to coherently put something down.
I’ve dealt with invisible sickness for almost all of my life. It started in the 5th grade when I came down with strep throat an mono at the same. This continued and I had mono for most of my high school years. Teachers thought I was faking it and would flunk me, therefore my gpa wasn’t so fantastic. Then came the girlie problems. Period pain, Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and finally Polycystic Ovary Syndrome all diseased that you can’t see unless you put a little telescope through my belly button. Most people thought I was faking it, most doctors told me I was find…some of those even went in and looked around and said I was fine, but I knew that I wasn’t. It’s not easy to be told it’s all your imagination, but I proceeded anyway knowing I wasn’t crazy. June of 2009 I finally had an ovary removed that hurt constantly and would keep getting cysts every other month…some tangerine size, some grapefruit size (don’t ask my why I go to citrus fruit to explain cysts..but I do). I really thought my life was going to change. I thought all the symptoms I had been feeling, fatigue, depression, anxiety, muscle aches and pains, insomnia..blah blah blah were all due to me being in chronic pain from the ovary and going through some hard spots in life. Lately I’ve found this to be wrong.
To keep this focused I want to express how hard it is to have something wrong with you that most people don’t understand and has a stigma of being all in your head. I feel the physical symptoms and they frustrate the hell out of me. This happens more than I like, but I admitted today that I’ve been working with my doctor on my lovely new diagnosis fibromyalgia and completely regretted saying anything once I did. Suddenly they went in to the “we can think ourselves healthy mode”. NOW, I do understand being a psychology major that there is a link between my flare ups, stress level and anxiety, there for part of it truly IS in my head. Yet don’t you think if I was able to THINK myself healthy I would have fucking done it already? I’m sure there are people out there that like the attention of being sick, but personally I feel it’s a pain in my ass. It’s preventing me from being the person I wish to be, the mother I want to be, the wife I want to be and following my dreams. So if I could think myself out of this mess wouldn’t I? I see the psychological connection but I’m not fucking crazy. I may be depressed and anxious and need to take medication for that, but who wouldn’t be when they can’t predict how they will feel on a day to day basis. Will today be a good day? Will today be a bad day?
I’m not sure how to handle talking to someone who tells me it’s mind over health. I beleive that in a sense and think I need to find balance in my life. Yet if it were in my head I wouldn’t have chronic illnesses. I didn’t grow up saying…I want to have chronic illnesses when I grow up and not achieve my dreams…nope…I had dreams just like everyone else did. I’ve just instead spent most of my life sick. Fuck you Fibromyalgia, I’m a little pissed. There’s still the part of me that can seperate that person who tells me that I need to think myself well and I will be…and understand that they just don’t understand. Yet it’s still hurts, frustrates me and makes me angry. I’ve tried herbal remedies, things that have bad side effects, things that don’t work, and even have tried thinking myself healthy. There comes a point where I just don’t want to hear the shit. So…if I heard tapeworms were the cure for fibromyalgia would I go ingest so tape worms? I think not. I’m over searching for a miracle cure. This doesn’t mean I’m still not searching for what makes me feel better…I will always continue that. Yet screw the people who think I need to change my attitude and think myself well. I would be well if that fucking worked.
So today also came with a harsh reality that I don’t think I have the ability to sing anymore. It’s not that I don’t have my voice, but I don’t have the ability to really memorize songs anymore. I’ve been working my ass off on this one song and keep screwing up the words. Ten years ago I wouldn’t have had a problem. I’m thinking the music thing wasn’t such a good idea and will be stepping back. Maybe I can think myself able to memorize things again (sarcasm)
That’s it for now, had to get this out.
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