Dear 1989 Girl from the Ghetto

I found a lovely post over at Jean Has Been Shopping and decided to tag myself in a letter to my 1989 self.  How fun is this idea?  Please, do so yourself and feel free to link back to me.

Here I am the night before I left my ghetto for Michigan Stateand my entire life changed forever.  I spent this night with my friends Angie and Krissy, and we visited people all over our little city, sat on our favorite bench and cat called guys, and got chased by a car full of unknown dudes so scary that were had to jump in and hide in the bushes and run for our lives for about half the night.  And, that night was exactly twenty years ago in September 1989.

 1989 was a huge year in my life, as I graduated high school, almost got killed by my stalker ex-boyfriend, moved out of the ghetto, and went off to Michigan State all on my own dime.  Here I am at the beginning of my last year of high school, a place I never want to look back on, which is why I always skipped the reunions. 

Dear 1989 Girl from the Ghetto

2009 has not been a great year for you.  You get sick, visit Mayo Clinic and get diagnosed with weird conditions you’ve never heard of.  Also, you had a hysterectomy and can’t have children of your own.  Then, you lose your job rather unfairly, and to top it off your boss tried to boot you the day before your surgery before HR forced him to delay it until September.  Even more bad things happen to you that I won’t mention here. 

However, you did get to meet two famous and funny as hell writers, you lost 38 pounds in three months, you have two stepchildren to love and take care of, and you have one sexy -ass supportive husband you love who also cleans the house, so there is much to celebrate! 

Ok, here are the basics.

Beauty:
Stop those spiral perms.  Don’t you remember the bald spot incident before senior homecoming?  Thank god Micky comes into your life in your twenties and talks you out of constant back coming and spirals.   Get brave, and try highlighting instead of Sun in and lemon juice. 

Men:
You have a lot of long term relationships, but none of them are at the right time or with the right person.  You have a vision, and you know that you are going to meet your husband at a tailgate party.  This is why you go to bed at 6:00pm the night before and skip a Halloween party, so you could have great hair the next day.   

Children:
Bad news, you don’t get to have your own, but you are lucky enough to be blessed with two step children, one of each.  Children have always loved you, and you continue to work with them even if it is through your volunteer work.

Family:
Everybody’s still crazy, and your not sure if they are getting better or worse.  Stick with your small doses, it is how you can deal effectively.

Money:
You were born poor, raised on welfare, and made it to Europe twice, not to mention graduate school until the money gods take it away again.  Work hard and hopefully you’ll find more in the future. 

Misc.:
Friends come and go, but you are lucky enough to have some good ones on your side.  Your true friends will always be there for you.   

You were born into a hard life, but you have survived and thrived with the best of them.  You realize life isn’t supposed to be fair, and thank goodness you don’t get jealous of others who seem to have it easier or who get all the breaks.  You have a will that may be legendary someday.  You may be sick, but inside your strong, and don’t you ever forget it.  You go girl! 

Love, 2009 Girl from the Ghetto

HIDING BEHIND MY ILLNESS

DAY 29:   I must accept the fact that protecting my energy can cause some of my actions to be misunderstood. However, it is a good reminder to  pay attention to how I might easily misunderstand others.

Two weeks ago I received quite an angry e-mail from someone who told me that I was hiding behind my illness.  I wasn’t really offended by her other accusations since I knew that they weren’t true.  However, I don’t receive criticism very often and so it seemed wise to look closely at the one that hurt the most.  My sister-in-law who has had her own share of illness said immediately, “That’s coming from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be chronically ill.”  My husband immediately commented, “You error on doing too much as soon as you feel even a little better.”  When my daughter read the letter, she began to cry when she read this comment, and said, “Oh Mom, that was so mean.  It’s not true.”

And yet, I can’t seem to let go of that comment. Do I hide behind my illness?  I think that it could easily look that way.  When people do see me, it is when I am feeling a little better.  And when they see me, I don’t LOOK sick.  And I have also determined to make the best of my situation and enjoy those times when I get to leave the house.  Therefore, how is anyone supposed to understand when I say, “I’m careful who I talk to on the phone and how long I talk since some conversations  deplete me of energy.”  How can anyone understand when I say, “ There are times when I look at a group of bills that should take ten minutes to pay on the internet and yet I am unable to exercise the mental focus to pay them?  Who can understand how the mind doesn’t cooperate when you are ill unless you have experienced it or have been around someone who has?  Many people absorb negative emotions but oddly since I have been ill I am like a sponge and I am  physically impacted by them for days or longer.  I did not give this person a call on the phone – which was the right thing to do, but I also knew that it would have an impact on my health since it required a confrontation. Therefore,  I kept waiting – naively – for the day I would have a little more energy – so that I could better cope with her disagreeing with me regarding a situation.    The sad fact is that this person’s anger could have been circumvented if I had allowed my husband to talk to this person which was what he had suggested.  Ironically, rather than hiding behind my illness, I thought I could deal with it, but I dealt with it too slowly and poorly which caused further problems.  I panicked knowing that I needed to deal with this problem and I chose to send an e-mail rather than make the phone call.

No, I don’t believe I hide behind my illness.  However, I also know that I make decisions based on my limitations rather than what I would do if I was healthy.  I know I didn’t deserve the venom that spewed forth from this person, but I also know that she didn’t deserve my response through e-mail.  I feel very sad that I am not always able to choose the best option.  Greg has had to continually remind me that my health must come first since I take very seriously living with integrity.  I don’t enjoy being misunderstood, but when small simple tasks can’t be easily performed,  it is easy to see how a misunderstanding can occur and to see  how I could be  judged.     This situation is a good reminder for  me to judge others less hastily  since I really don’t know their circumstances either.

CAN TOXIC PEOPLE HINDER MY HEALING?

DAY 25:  Assess whether there are any people in my life who are depleting me of my energy. “I paid very close attention to how energy dynamics affected me.  I realized that some people brought me energy while others took it away . . .   Her demands were annoying and I felt weary from the encounter.  I realized that I would have to protect my precious energy with keen caution.”  Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor

As I have been eliminating products that have toxic chemicals and eliminating foods that have too many toxicants, and as my body is slowly ridding itself of chemicals, I have begun assessing whether people can be toxic!  Then I  listened to a lecture by Jack Canfield and wouldn’t you know he began discussing the importance of surrounding ourselves with people who energize us.  He recommended that we make a list of all of our friends, relatives and acquaintances and then put a negative or positive sign beside each person. He strongly recommended our controlling how often we see people who negatively impact us.  Just as I was considering this advice, someone sent me the following  timely e-mail!  As I seek physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, it is necessary to determine who should be sitting in the front row of my theatre and  who need to be moved to the balcony of my life.  I am so grateful for the number of people who I definitely want to be in my front row!

Your Front Row

Submitted By: Angela N. Barber

- Life is a theater – invite your audience carefully.  Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives.

- There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships or fellowships.

- Observe the relationships around you.  Pay attention to which ones lift and which ones lean?  Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?  Which ones are on path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

- When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?  Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

- When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

- You cannot change the people around you…but you can change the people you are around!

- Pray for Godly wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

Fibromyalgia - "Fitting the Pieces Together"

Over the past several months, MCCI has been working with Dr. Sharon Ostalecki to develop a broadcast special highlighting Fibromyalgia – quickly described as unexplained chronic pain.   Originally produced last year as a broad scope 90 minute documentary, PBS in Detroit (WTVS) agreed to air a 30 minute version on public television.

The special aired on September 15, 16 & 20, 2009 and has been viewed by 30,000+ households so far.  More importantly, MCCI is proud to play a small role in helping to spread awareness of this largely unknown and misunderstood affliction.

Here’s the trailer…

To learn more about Fibromyalgia, please visit HFFCF.org.

You Will NOT Die In 7 Days

Remember how frightening that darn girl from The Ring was?  Whenever you heard the phrase “You will die in 7 days” whispered on screen you know you shuddered in fear.    Remember the tape you were never supposed to watch?  I have it for your viewing pleasure right now.

I saw this movie by myself, in complete darkness, during a blackout that effected my entire state as well as other parts of the country.  I had spent two days without luggage, just me and my cowgirl hat as “the blackout of 03″ occurred moments after I checked my bags at Detroit Metro.  I had a house in the heart of the ghetto with power for strange reasons and this was the video I decide to watch.  (Seriously, my house was the only house on the block with power.)  I was terrified when I watched this movie, which is why I’m using it here.  

I haven’t watched any scary video tapes lately, but I have been frightened for about three months years now.  In 7 days I am losing my good job due to ahem “budget cuts.”  Although, I have watched three peopleget hired for part-time employment, which is even confusing to those with half a brain in my office.  I’m frightened that people paid with your tax dollars feel it is ok to make these type of decisions.  Why get rid of a hard worker only to rehire someone who was lazy then, and is so much worse now my boss had to sent out the following memo today – “I have noticed a lot of time being used on cell phones, talking, txt messaging and so on, this is to be done on breaks, lunch hours.”  I’m frightened that my mom has also lost her job, is down to $30, and that her son has taken all of her money and now I have to deal with a Bipolar who can’t afford her meds who phone stalks me and sent me a Christmas card last week. 

I’m frightened that as I write this I’m wearing an A Fib heart monitor that I need to wear for another 29 days.  I’m frightened that I have to travel to Ohio for genetic testing and I’m sure my crappy insurance won’t cover it and I wonder if its better to skip it to not go broke or to go and find out something terrible.  What if I don’t go and I find out later that I could have saved myself or some part of myself somehow?  I’m frightened of things that are so scary in my life you don’t even get to hear about them. 

Life really is terrifying if you think about it.  While I’m going through all of this, I’m trying to stay strong.  I hear how strong and happy I look at work, and I laugh in my head, as I have my moments of tears, panic over the job search, and my paralyzing fear for any decline in my health due to the crappier health insurance.  I do realize that I will finally be free IN 7 DAYS!  I’m free, free at last, and I will survive and thrive.  I’m no Samara, but I have lived a life trapped in my own sort of well for almost a decade now, and I’m happy as hell that (metaphorically speaking) Naomi Watts pulled me the heck out of it to give me my proper burial.

It is never fun feeling trapped.  Goodbye old jaded civil servant who may have been discriminated against.  Hello, Cowgirl!  Can we all yell a huge collective Yee Hah, I’m a Cowgirl next Friday?  I’ll Facebook it to remind y’all! 

It's Invisible Illness Awareness Week

And not only are many chronic illnesses invisible, but they can also be so shadowed by stigma that they are seldom understood by those who are ill or family and friends.

I have blogged about my own challenges with invisible illness. It can be a long lonely journey if you are unable to secure the care and support you need.

So, to help increase awareness of the many chronic invisible illnesses so many (invisibly) live and cope with I want to share a couple articles here.

• Study Surprisingly Shows that Chronic Illness is a Taboo Subject
• 54 Ways You Say You Respond to “You look so good!”

• You Know You Have a Chronic Illness When…

There are many more articles and resources at the Invisible Illness web site.

Qi Gong downtown San Diego

Heal Yourself with Mindful Awareness Wisdom Healing Qigong Intensive

Saturday, September 19, 2009 from 2:00 PM – 5:00 PM (PT)

San Diego, CA

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+ Connecting our body sensation to the perception of energy (qi) flow all

around us

+ Embodying the shifting patterns of energy in the body throughmovement, visualization and sound, connecting us to the flow of nature all around us

The overall aim of this intensive is to intentionally, consciously shift our attention towards the flow of life in the present moment, and to stabilize that attention as ourself in a creative and playful manner.

PLEASE CALL 760-550-9895 TO REGISTER OR EMAIL qi@qifieldtherapy.com

www.qifieldtherapy.com

Free 3-hour parking available at Horton Plaza

When

Saturday, September 19, 2009 from 2:00 PM – 5:00 PM (PT)

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Where Red Lotus Society / Ideal Studio

540 3rd Avenue

San Diego, CA 92101

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Hosted By Wisdom Healing Qigong | Daniela Carraro & Federico Garcia

We are healing practitioners dedicated to transforming the mind, body and emotions. Qigong is the primary system of knowledge that facilitates this process: the process of cultivating our energetic awareness. By internalizing our consciousness we become aware of the flow of life that manifests in us. This awareness rightfully initiates an energy exchange between our individualized self and Nature.

We use mindfully executed movements, sounds and visualizations to awaken and embrace the self-healing impulse already present in every human being.

We work with groups and individuals, medical facilities and health clinics using the most effective method for energy cultivation: self-awareness. Healing then becomes the return to our original state of lightness, compassion and fulfillment.

Please visit www.qifieldtherapy.com or call 760.550.9895 for more information.

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